An Evening With El Diablo
by Jameson Rook
Summary: "If he was being completely honest with himself, he always knew that Kevin would be the one to notice before anyone else." Rated T for language and content. WARNINGS; Alcohol abuse, military violence, PTSD, slight-slash.


_**After reading **_**'Quality of Life' **_**by **_**The Black Sluggard**_**I was taken by the idea of an emotionally tortured Javier Esposito. Fair warning, this fic will deal with; military violence, PTSD, alcohol abuse, slash. If you do not want to read about one or all of these themes, please click the back button now. You have been warned. I make no promises that this will be any good, but I need to get it out of where it has been rumbling around my head. **_

_** Disclaimer: Castle and all of its characters belong to Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC Productions. The title, "An Evening With El Diablo", belongs to Chevelle. "Hero of War" belongs to Rise Against. **_

He knew that eventually someone was going to notice the deep purple circles under his eyes, the way that he jumped nearly a foot every time someone walked past him. And, if he was being completely honest with himself, he always knew that Kevin would be the one to notice before anyone else.

The sympathetic, yet confused glances that the younger man shot him from across the bullpen were enough to have him trying to close off his emotions even further. The last thing that he needed was to have everyone looking at him like he was a basket case. He'd dealt with that enough at home when he'd returned from his first tour in Afghanistan.

His mother had made everyone walk around on eggshells trying to keep him happy. Even the slightest noise was enough to startle him, but he hadn't wanted anyone to treat him differently. He had just wanted things to go back to the way they were before the day he had climbed onto that airplane.

Waking nightmares. That had been how he'd described them to the therapist that his unit commander had forced him and the rest of his unit to go to. He spent the days ghosting through life, letting his body go on auto pilot. The vicious images that plagued his subconcious as he went through everyday were enough to sour his stomach, his nose filling with the sickening copper smell of blood.

At first that had been fine, no one even seemed to notice. But when he began skipping out on Madden night, not returning calls inviting him to poker night, and declining beers at The Old Haunt, Kevin's concerned looks became a concerned touch on his back, a lingering touch when he handed him a file at the precinct, or a heated gaze across the desk. Kevin's hand was warm when it landed on his back that evening before he'd left the precinct. That, of course, had revealed that his muscles were as tightly coiled as a rattle snake before it strikes. Javier had made the excuse that he had a an appointment to get to and bolted before Kevin had been able to question him.

It was at two o'clock that morning when he sat straight up in his bed, his body drenched in sweat. A violent scream tore from his throat, his hands clawing wildly at the bed sheets. He pulled his knees to his chest, whimpering pathetically into the silence of his bedroom. His heart pounded in his chest and his hands shook frantically as he searched the bedroom, regaining his barings slowly.

Javier threw his comforter from his body and moved into the living room, his silk boxers feeling oddly cold in the cool air of his apartment, and his cell phone clutched in his hand. He curled into the far corner of his couch, his knees pulled up again, and unwillingly allowed his mind to drift back to his dream.

_The gun fire was loud, a rhythimc rat-tat-tat of M4's and AK-47's punctuated by the occasional explosion of a grenade. Eight hundred and seventy-five yards away from the epicenter of the fighting, Javier was laying in prone position, his stomach pressed against a crumbling cement floor that was covered in saw dust. His eyes watched the scene unfold below them through his scope, his teeth gritting roughly as he watched more than one of his brothers fall into the dirt, a plume of red mist erupting from them. His stomach churned as he watched their bodies crumple into pools of blood. _

_ M24 sniper weapon system. The matte black metal monster that was clutched between his hands was standard issue to all sniper teams. His spotter, Jason Greene, was crouched next to him, his spotting scop held to his face. _

_ "Target aquired." His voice was a low whisper._

_ "I see him." Javier responded, his body unmoving._

_ "Eight hundred, seventy five yards. Wind at one knot, North East. Cleared to fire when ready."_

_ Javier took a few deep, slow breaths, steadying his breathing and heart rate. His finger hovered over the trigger, the ridges of his finger prints barely brushing the cool metal. He took one last breah in, holding it in his lungs, and counted to five slowly before squeezing the trigger. The bullet exploded from the barrel and the gun kicked backwards, his body shifting to absorb the recoil._

_ His eyes followed its trajectory through the scope, his heart nearly stopped when he saw the bullet tear through his target and continue on through a small boy walking behind him. His pulse pounded in his ears as the boy collapsed, a bloody, pulpy mess replacing the spot where his heart had been._

Javier jumped out of his seat, his hand automatically going for his service weapon on the table next to the door, when he realized that the pounding was not his heart but someone at his door. He looked through the peep-hole, his hand clutching the gun so tightly that his knuckles began to ache. He felt his body relax slightly when he found Kevin shifting nervously in the hallway.

He opened the door and the smaller man burst in like a bull out of a bucking chute. Kevin raked his hands through his hair, his hands shaking almost as badly as Javier's.

"What's the matter?" He immediately asked. Javier stared at him with a look of confusion. "You called me and asked me to come over. At two in the morning. Out of the blue. Do you _not_ remember this?" Kevin's voice sounded like he was speaking to a small child as he eyed him cautiously. Javier glanced at his phone that was now laid on the table and tried his best to remember when he had managed to call Kevin.

"I..." He heaved a sigh. "No, I honestly don't remember calling you, Ryan. You don't have to stay, I'm sorry. You can go on home." He moved to open the door, but before he could reach the handle, his partner's hand closed gently around his wrist. Javier spun to face him, his chest pressed against Kevin's firmly, his instincts getting the better of him. When he realized what he'd done he jumped back a bit.

"Javi," Kevin's voice was barely above a whisper as he spoke, his hand resting on Javier's shoulder. "Talk to me. What's been going on with you? You've been acting weird lately. You've been avoiding everyone, I can tell you haven't been sleeping, you've been super jumpy. What's wrong?"

"Kevin, please don't do this." His voice cracked with emotion as he spoke, moving to the kitchen quickly and pulling the bottle of Jack Daniel's out of the liquor cabinet. He glanced at the bottle, glaring at it and trying to figure out when it had gone from unopened to three quarters empty. He figured it had to have been some where in the last month, though all of it had blended together. He twisted off the top and drank down some of it, the liquid burning his throat.

"What do you mean don't do this? Espo, you're must best friend. I care more about you than I do anyone else in the world. Even before Jenny left I cared more about you, man. Come on, you can talk to me, bro." He took the bottle from Esposito and up-ended it into the sink. Javier's mouth watered as he watched the liquid swirl down the drain.

"What the hell? Why'd you do that?" He grumbled.

"Tell me." Kevin's voice lowered an octave, the low timbre of it rumbling through Esposito's body. He hadn't realized that his partner had moved behind him once again, his voice directly next to his ear.

"The nightmares," He whispered, clutching the edge of the counter until his knuckles turned white. His body shook lightly. "They're back. I can't...I can't make them go away any more, Kevin. They're there all the time." Kevin's arms were around him before he could protest, the flesh of his bare forearms warm across his stomach. Javier covered Kevin's hand with his own, fiery tears streaking down his cheeks. A sob wracked his body as he let the emotions he'd kept pent up for so long overwhelm him. They both slid to the floor, leaning against his cabinets as he sobbed so hard that he thought his muscles were going to give out.

Kevin's arms were around him through every tear, every quiver of his muscles, and every gasp of air that he forced through his lungs. He cried for close to an hour before he allowed himself to relax, his head pillowed on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan's hand rubbed soothingly over his back.

"I killed them, Kevin. All of them. They," He choked on the reminent of a sob. "They didn't deserve it. There were...there were kids. My unit commander called it necessary collateral damage. It wasn't necessary God damn it. That boy did not desrve to die because of my ignorance. I can't stop thinking about his face. About the way he looked before he fell. His face was so...shocked. Twisted in pain. It was horrifying." His voice was low as he spoke. "I don't deserve to be living this way when he didn't even get to know what growing up felt like." Kevin tucked his finger under Javier's chin and tilted his face until their eyes met.

"Javier, none of that makes you any different as a man. You're an amazing person, and nothing that you do will ever change that. To me you are perfect." He whispered. Javier felt himself tense a moment as realization set in.

"Kevin." He breathed, leaning into the other man's touch as he felt Kevin's fingers brushing over his cheek and pulling him closer. His eyes fluttered closed and he felt the nightmares melting away, a warming moving through his heart that he hadn't felt since he'd gotten on the bus for boot camp. Kevin's lips touched his tentatively, almost shyly, exploring his mouth gently.

His breath hitched when he felt the warm tongue moving over his bottom lip, he opened almost immediately, allowing him full entry. His hand moved to brace on Kevin's chest, feeling the thready beat of his heart under his palm.

All too soon, Kevin was pulling his mouth away, drawing a whimper from Javier, but he pressed his forehead against Javier's.

"I love you, Javier." He whispered, his eyes still closed. Javier felt a smirk cross his face, his hand cupping Kevin's cheek.

"Same to you, partner, same to you."

For the first time since he'd pulled that trigger, Javier Esposito remembered what it meant to really be living. Kevin Ryan had always been his saving grace. Even on an evening with El Diablo, Kevin could pull him back from the brink. That was all he would ever need.

**She walked through bullets and haze,**

**I asked her to stop, I begged her to stay,**

**But she pressed on, so I lifted my gun and I fired away,**

**And the shells jumped through the smoke, **

**And into the sand that the blood now had soaked.**

**She collapsed with a flag in her hand,**

**A flag white as snow.**

**A hero of war, is that what they see?**

**Just medals and scars, so damned proud of me?**

**But I brought home that flag, now it gathers dust.**

**But it's a flag that I love, the only flag I trust.**

**He said "son, have you seen the world? **

**What would you say if I said that you could?"**

_** So...yeeeeah...thoughts? Drop me a review. **_


End file.
